


I’m The Dark In Need Of Light

by DirtyLilGreaseMonkey



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-29 11:43:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5126291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey/pseuds/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert returns to the village for Katies funeral, can he handle saying goodbye to someone else he once loved?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’m The Dark In Need Of Light

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt - Au robron, Robert comes back to the village after Vic told him Katie was dead (nothing to do with our boys) she told him when the funeral was and he promised he would come. He came shocking everyone including Vic, but he said he promised. After the funeral Robert and Andy had a talk, Robert told Andy he had lost someone (leaving out gender) they had cancer, the two grew closer. Aaron and Robert grew closer and started a relationship but they dont know about each others past. Robert overhears Nicola saying something about Aaron and Jackson, they have a private chat, a lot of fluff.
> 
> So i got this prompt yesterday and i couldnt get it out of my head so have worked on it all day, i think ive taken it alot deeper into the robron relationship then was needed but it kinda ran away from me, let me know what you think and give me a follow on tumblr - starkidsarah
> 
> for the purpose of this fic Robert and Aaron have never met before, Robert never returned to the village and Katie still died.

He wasn't sure he'd come when he first heard Victoria’s message. But he’d promised and in the end he knew he had to say goodbye, it was the only way for him to finally put the past behind him and move on. He needed to move on, not just from this, but from everything, from the darkness, if that was possible. He knew it would take time and perhaps this was the first step of many.

His mind wandered back to a time not too long ago when he'd stood outside a church not too dissimilar to the one in front of him now. That was when the darkness had started and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t find a way out. He took a deep breath and made his way inside. The church was filled with white lilies, her favourite if he remembered correctly, the smell took him back nine months, to when he’d had to pick out the same flowers for someone else. He took a seat at the front and let his head fall into his hands. He’d spent too much time in places like this just recently, but he was glad of the quiet. He needed to muster enough energy to face his estranged family. He thought back to when he’d last seem them, although only Andy had seen him. He was a coward back then, didn't make it to the church, just stood and watched from the shadows as others mourned his loss. A loss he still felt, not having said a proper goodbye. Another reason he’d agreed to come back. He had to let his father go, once and for all, maybe then, he could begin to crawl out of the darkness.

After leaving the church he wandered aimlessly around the village, it had been so long since he’d been back but nothing had really changed. He had no idea where he was heading but guessed the pub would be his best bet, assuming Diane still owned it.

As he pushed through the door he took a moment to appreciate his surroundings, the smell of stale beer, the polished bar, the pictures on the wall, including the one of his Dad. He’d missed this place. His eyes fell on the young women behind the bar and it took him a second to recognise her face. She’d been a baby, in his eyes anyway, when he left but now, now she was a grown woman, in what looked like a chef’s uniform. As he walked towards the bar Diane came through form the back and dropped the glass she was holding at the sight of him, making Victoria jump.

“Diane what’s….” Victoria started before following Dianes gaze to the tall blonde stood at the bar.

“Robert,” Diane exclaimed.

He smiled fondly at his step mum.

“Diane, Victoria,” he nodded to them both, and not sure what else to say in this situation he added,

“Miss me?”

“You came,” Victoria cried.

“I promised didn’t I?”

“Yeah but I didn’t think you’d actually come,” Victoria said as she headed around the bar to embrace her big brother.

“And yeah, I missed ya,” she admitted as he wrapped his arms around her.

Circumstances aside, it felt good to have him back and she was gonna enjoy it as much as she could.

“You look………..tired,” she noticed as she pulled back from the hug.

“It’s been a long day, is there somewhere I can stay, I noticed a B&B down the road, that's new.”

“Oh yeah that's Val and Eric's place but you don't need that, you can stay here.”

“I don't want put you out Diane.”

“Don't be daft pet, I’m sure Aaron won’t mind.”

Aaron, Robert thought before Diane continued.

“It really is good to see you,” she said with a sad smile.

He was about to say the same when gruff voice interrupted them,

“I don't believe this,” Andy announced when he walked into the pub and saw who Diane and Victoria was talking to.

“Alright bro,” Robert said quietly.

“What the hell is he doing here?” Andy bawled completely ignoring Robert.

“Andy pet,” Diane started.

“I told him Andy, he had a right to know.” Victoria finished.

“What right does he have to my wife?”

“Look mate, I'll just go okay,” Robert interjected, he didn’t want any trouble.

“No Robert,” Victoria pleaded.

“And you,” she said jabbing her finger into Andy’s chest,

“We all know how hard it’s been for you and he’s your brother too, no matter what you say, you need him.”

Andy looked at Robert, there was so much history there, so much hate, but Vic was right, no matter what had happened, they were brothers, the Sugden boys. He looked at the picture behind Robert, the one Val had hung the day of his funeral, the one that had been there every day since, reminding him that we never forget the people we love, you loved us back.

“I’m sorry Rob, stay, he’d want ya to,” Andy said, indicating the photograph.

All four of them turned stood for a minute staring at the man they once loved.

“Is there anything I can do?” Robert asked breaking the silence.

“Just go on through, you look shattered.”

He nodded to Diane and Vic before clasping his hand on Andy’s shoulder, in gratitude or sympathy he wasn’t sure, he gave him what he hoped was supportive smile before making he was around the bar, thankful to get away from the one thing he didn’t need right now, a drink.

 

....

After Diane had settled him in what he could only assume was Aarons room, he lay back on the camp bed and stared up at the ceiling, allowing the darkness to wash over him as a sob escaped his chest. He didn’t know who he was grieving for, Katie, his Dad, himself. Perhaps a pub was a bad idea, all he wanted was a drink but he wouldn’t go back there, even though he could feel the darkness pulling at him, he couldn’t. He shivered at the thought of what he’d been like last time he’d had a drink and he’d told himself he wouldn’t go there again. The shivers continued until his teeth chattered. He dragged himself off the bed and searched for a blanket or something, anything to shift the cold. He came across a hot water bottle which made the corner of his mouth curl up in a grin as a memory flashed through the darkness. They were up at Butlers, him, Andy, Mum and Dad, and he’d been freezing, at bit like he was now, so his Mum, when had he last called her that he wondered, had wrapped the boys in a blanket with a hot water bottle each. He needed that warm memory tonight, so headed to the kitchen, hot water bottle in hand. Once in the kitchen he filled up the kettle and watched as it boiled.

Aaron walked in the bar after a long day at the garage, the last few days had been hard on everyone in the village himself included. Losing someone close like that stirred up things he’d wish would stay buried. He had to be strong though, for his Mam. Katie was her best friend and she was in bits.

“Is me Mam not around,” he asked when he saw Diane behind the bar.

“She’s up at Andy’s love.”

“Course.”

“Aaron pet.”

What did she want Aaron thought before he could stop himself, he had to keep the anger in check, it wasn’t anyone’s fault that all this brought up back memories of him again.

“Yep,” Aaron scoffed.

“I hope you don’t mind, but Robert is gonna be stopping for a while.”

“Oh,” Aaron said before he realised what she was saying,

“What in my room?” he exclaimed, the last thing he needed right now was having to share his room with a random stranger, especially now the nightmares were back.

“I can ask him to go to the B&B if you want……..” Diane looked at him expectantly.

What else was he supposed to say apart from,

“No he’s family aint he.”

“Thank you.”

He gave her a sad smile as he headed behind the bar.

He opened the door to the back room and was momentarily frozen to the stop by the blonde man in the kitchen. His eyes wander automatically over his body taking in his sunken shoulders and his nervous hands. He imagined that if he was in his situation he’d look exactly the same. He noticed the hot water bottle in the man’s hand, and assuming this was Robert he said,

“You won't be needing that, it gets mafting in me room.”

Robert looked startled for a second, he hadn’t even heard the door open, his eyes falling on the younger lad as chuckled to himself, and he hadn't heard that word in years.

“You must be Aaron,” Robert extended his hand in greeting before adding his own name,

“Robert.”

“Figured.” Aaron grunted reaching out his own hand.

As the two touched hands they immediately pulled back.

Robert looked at Aaron wide eyed before turning back to the whistling kettle.

Had he felt it too Aaron thought moving to sit on the couch.

Robert stared at the place Aarons fingers had touched him, how was that possible, but he’d felt it, in that brief touch the darkness had lifted.

“Did you need something?” Robert asked when he finally regained control of his senses.

“Was just gonna make a brew,” Aaron muttered without looking up, he couldn't take his eyes off his hand.

What the hell just happened? He hadn't felt like that since, well since him. The thought sent a wave of guilt through Aaron and he was about to get up when Robert interrupted him,

“Let me guess tea two sugars.”

Not trusting his voice Aaron just nodded. He settled back down as Robert set about making them a drink. He couldn't help but watch as Robert moved around the kitchen effortlessly, the nervousness having completely disappeared.

Roberts eyes flicked towards Aaron every few seconds as he busied himself in the kitchen, glad of the distraction, he had no idea what he'd felt when they'd touched, had Aaron felt it too? He didn't even know Aaron yet he'd felt it, that spark, that shock that he'd only felt once before. And it made him feel good, really good, for the first time in a long time. With two mugs in hand he moved over to the couch and handed Aaron his tea, careful not to let their hands took again, he wasn’t ready for that again, not now, maybe not ever.

“You, you here for the funeral?” Aaron asked, moving slightly away from Robert as he took a seat next to him.

“Yep,” was all Robert offered, still a little confused by the man in front of him.

“Did you know her well?” Aaron asked him another question, not sure why, his Mam had already filled him in, he just wanted to hear Roberts voice again.

“You could say that.”

“Thanks for this,” Aaron smiled indicating the mug, not sure what else to say as he took a sip of his tea.

Robert couldn’t take his eyes off Aarons, they were the deepest blue he had ever seen and when he smiled his face lit up, and Robert couldn’t help but return the smile.

“I really should be getting to bed,” Robert said as he shook his thoughts free of Aarons smile.

“Oh yeh, don’t let me keep ya.”

They both stood at the same time, their shoulders coming into contact. This time instead of pulling back they froze, each wondering if the other could feel it, the spark, the flame that seemed to ignite between them. Aaron turned and looked up into Roberts eyes, was this it, after all this time. He didn’t think about what he was doing, the flame had taken over and started to burn in the pit of his stomach. His eyes found Roberts lips and he leaned in, he didn’t even know if he was gay, and at this moment in time he didn’t care, he just didn’t want the fire to go out.

Robert was sure of what he felt this time, it was Aaron, Aarons touch that awoke something in him that he thought was long since dead, for the past nine months he hadn’t felt anything, that was until now. He looked at Aarons lips, could feel Aarons body lean into his, he closed his eyes in anticipation, is this what he wanted, is this what he needed to forget? The pleasure he was expecting was suddenly overtaken by pain, as the mug slipped from his hand spilling hot tea down his front. He jumped back breaking the connection between them.

The fire extinguished just as fast as it had started as Aaron felt Robert jump backwards. The disconnection somehow cleared his head, what was he thinking? He rushed to the kitchen grabbing a cloth to mop up the tea.

“Here let me…..” Aaron hesitated not sure he wanted to touch him again.

“Just leave it yeh.”

“Alright mate, I was only trying to help.” Aaron snapped back.

“Forget it.” Robert hissed.

“Fine, suit yaself,” Aaron huffed before stomping out of the room, leaving Robert alone.

Robert sighed and fell back onto the couch. What the hell just happened?

 

....

Robert opened the door as quietly as he could, saying a little prayer when he found Aaron sleeping soundly in his bed. He undressed quickly, cursing as the camp bed squeaked as he climbed in. He looked over to see if the noise had disturbed Aaron and couldn’t help notice the muscular thigh sticking out of the covers. He shook his head guiltily trying to erase the image but his body was already betraying him. He laid back and closed his eyes, he didn’t sleep much anymore, hadn’t slept properly for months, but Aarons presence somehow made the darkness less so. Maybe, maybe tonight he could get more than a few hours. He thought about the spark he’d felt when the younger man had touched him and was grateful when a different kind of darkness took hold of him, as he fell into a dreamless sleep.

He was awoken a few hours later by muffled screams coming from inside his own head. It took him a minute in his sleep fuelled state to realise the screams were real and they were coming from across the room, from Aaron. He leapt out of bed and was next to Aaron in no time, but what did he do? Soothe him, wake him, all those options involved touching him again, he wasn’t sure either of them were ready for that again.

“Aaron, Aaron, wake up,” he tried instead.

He was psyching himself up to touching him when Aarons bolted upright.

Seeing Roberts face so close, Aaron scrambled up the bed as far as he could, pulling the cover with him for protection.

“Aaron, it’s me, its Robert,” Robert soothed, trying to calm an obviously agitated Aaron.

“What, what are you doing in here?” he asked, his confusion clear in his voice.

“I’m staying remember, you, you were having a nightmare, I tried to wake you, but……”

 _‘I didn’t want to touch you’_ Robert couldn’t finish the sentence.

Robert swallowed thickly as he noticed Aarons sweat soaked shirt sticking to his skin in all the right places, he shook his head, now wasn’t the time.

“What do you need?” Robert asked his voice full of concern.

“Nothing from you,” Aaron spat back before he could think.

Robert was clearly taken aback by Aaron’s harsh words, he hadnt meant them, he was always like this when he awoke from a nightmare. His face softened as he saw Roberts concern.

“Sorry, a glass of water would be great.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Aaron jumped out of bed as Robert shut the door, quickly changing his shirt before jumping back in and pulling the covers back up under his chin. He stayed sat up as he watched Robert come back into the room. And from this vantage point, as the moon shone throw the window he could see Roberts bare freckled chest, moving towards him. He closed his eyes, he shouldn’t be thinking like that, not about him. He opened them again as he felt Roberts weight press onto the end of the bed. Robert reached out and he handed Aaron the glass, careful to not touch him.

“Sorry about before,” Aaron offered, after taking a sip of the cool liquid.

“Don’t worry about it.”

He offered his to take the glass from Aaron and was so caught up in watching Aaron as he swallowed another gulp of water he didn’t notice their close proximity until it was too late. Instead of pulling away this time, Robert sighed into it.

Aaron felt himself being pulled towards Robert, like his body had a mind of its own. Their fingers were still touching as Aaron leant in towards Robert for the second time that night, he was so close he could count the freckles on the bridge of his nose.

Robert could feel Aarons breath as he leant in, he looked down at Aarons lips before his eyes moved upwards until he was staring at the deep pools of Aarons eyes, willing him to close the gap between their lips. Robert shifted slightly and just as quick as before the connection broke but it was Aaron to jump back this time.

With his hand no longer touching Roberts, he looked down at Roberts obvious state of undress and jumped back. This was bad, he hadn’t even known what he was doing, it was like being close to Robert made him lose his mind.

“I’ll sleep downstairs,” Aaron stuttered as he grabbed the cover and headed out the door, leaving Robert alone for the second time that night.

 

....

Robert heard the bells and a sense of dread washed over him. It was the same feeling he had when the doctors had told them there was nothing more they could do. He didn’t know if could do this, Aaron had spent the rest of the night on the sofa, leaving Robert feeling more alone than ever before. Could he do this, could he say goodbye again, to someone he had once claimed to love.

He managed to shower and dress without dumping into Aaron, he didn’t know if he was that was a good thing or a bad thing. He didn’t have time to dwell on it as Victoria called him downstairs. It was time.

He saw them, the village with their sombre faces and he couldn’t do it, it brought back so many memories, not even of Katie, it was all too painful. He was about to turn back, to leave when a sad smile stopped him. A smile that shouldn’t make Roberts heart leap but it did all the same. It was Aaron. How could someone he didn’t even know make him feel like that again, after everything? But it did, that smile let Robert see a little better in the darkness. He could do this, he just needed to dig deep and find the strength to support his brother, just like he wished someone had done for him when he’d needed it.

He took a deep breath and headed into the church taking a seat next to his brother, not caring about the look Andy gave him. None of that mattered now, it was time to say goodbye. He listened intently as the faces around him, faces he didn’t know, spoke about Katie. He thought he was doing fine until he looked at Andy. Robert was losing it, the words Ashley spoke just took him back, he had to get out of there, had to escape before the darkness took over, no, what he needed was a drink.

As if sensing something was wrong Aaron placed his hand on the shoulders of the two men that loved Katie, he didn’t really want to touch Andy but he knew how it would look if he just touched Robert. Andy just crumbled under the gesture Robert tried to ignore the burning he felt, the burning he knew Aaron felt at their connection. But even has he tried he could feel the burn embracing him pushing the darkness away. He could breathe again. He took the risk and looked back at Aaron. His eyes were closed, he looked like he was in pain, and that was the last thing Robert wanted. He placed his hand over Aarons and he felt the fire radiate out from him, he shouldn’t feel like this, not here, not now.

As soon as Roberts hand took his it was too much for Aaron, the burning he’d felt the night before was now a roaring blaze, he couldn’t take it anymore, the guilt overwhelmed him. He had to get out, away from him, just for a minute. Not wanting too but needing too Aaron pulled his hand free and rushed out of the church, before the first sob escaped his chest.

Robert felt him retreating, wanted to go after him, to tell him everything was okay, but he wasn’t even sure of that himself. He didn’t know if anything would ever be okay again. So he stayed put placing a supporting arm around his brother’s shoulders, because that’s what he was here for, for Andy, for Katie. He tried to focus on Ashley’s words, of how loved Katie was, how much the village would miss her all the while comforting his brother, who had lost the love of his life. Robert understood, more than anyone, he knew what Andy was going through. He managed to keep the darkness away, for now, and that was down to Aaron, the embers of the fire still alight inside him, giving him the strength to support his brother.

The rest of the service passed in a blur, and before he knew it they were being ushered out into the graveyard. The cool air filled his lungs and he took a deep breath as he scanned the crowd surprising himself at how disappointed he felt when he couldn’t see Aaron among them. The cold helped clear his mind a little, not like Aaron did but it was enough for him to guide Andy along with Diane and Victoria to Katies graveside as they said their final goodbyes.

“You’ve been amazing,” Victoria praised her brother,

“So have you,” she added, indicating Robert.

“I couldn’t have done it without you lot,” Andy confessed, looking at the three of them.

“Come on,” Diane insisted.

“No I’m not going to the wake,” Andy announced.

“Really?” Diane asked.

“Yeah I just want some time alone.”

“Of course pet.” Diane knew more than most what Andy needed was time.

But Andy could tell by the look in her eye that she wouldn’t let it go,

“Please, I came to the funeral didn’t I?”

“You did, and I’m so proud of you.”

“Come on then you two,” Diane reached out for Victoria’s hand.

“I’ll come check on ya later okay,” Vic said before letting Diane pull her away.

Robert looked at his brother, he knew he needed to be left alone, to process what had happened, just as he had done after. He gave him a tight nod and followed Diane and Victoria back to the pub. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that Andy shouldn’t be left on his own, perhaps if he’d had someone he wouldn’t have had that first drink. He continued to escort Diane and Victoria back to the pub but instead of going in with them he told them he would go and check on Andy, it didn’t feel right leaving him on his own.

Andy didn’t turn around as he felt him approach, he knew who it was without looking.

“I’ve been here a lot recently, thinking about Mum and Dad, we all end up in the same place eh?”

“Andy,” Robert didn’t know what to say apart from the truth,

“I….I know what it’s like, to lose………someone, someone you care about like that.”

Andy turned and faced his brother suspiciously,

“Really?” he questioned.

Robert looked down to avoid his brother’s gaze,

“I’m sorry,” Robert offered.

“What for?” Andy asked, confused by the man in front of him, the Robert he’d known never apologised, but that was the point wasn’t it, this wasn’t the Robert he knew.

“I wasn’t here, for Dad, for everything.”

“But you’re here now.”

Robert looked back up and gave him a sad smile, he knew what Andy was going through and wanted to offer some kind of support.

“It may not seem like it now, but it gets easier,” he lied, it never got easier, the pain just dulled and in his case the darkness took over, but Andy didn’t need to hear that right now.

Something in Roberts voice made Andy believe him, and he wasn’t the first person to tell him that, just that morning Aaron had told him the exactly same thing. He'd seen what the loss had done to Aaron, knew that if Aaron could handle it, then he could too but what did Robert know of it. Perhaps he didn’t know his brother at all.

“You lost someone,” Andy said, more of a statement than a question.

Robert nodded. If they were ever going to get past this, Robert knew he would have to open up to Andy, not about everything, he wasn’t ready for that yet, but he could tell him about his loss, try and make him see that even with the darkness life goes on.

“It was almost a year ago, cancer,” he added, like that was explanation enough.

“And you never told anyone?”

“It all happened so fast, by the time we had the diagnosis it was too late.”

“Oh Rob, why didn’t you call.”

“I couldn’t, anyway, it’s not about me is it, and I just wanted you to know you’re not on your own.”

“I don’t think I can do it Rob, any of this, not without her.” Andy broke down.

“You’ve got to be strong now Andy, for Jack, for Sarah, they need you, and you know I’ll be here if you ever need me.”

“You’re staying?” Andy couldn’t keep the surprise for his voice.

“For a little while, if you’ll have me.”

Andy nodded.

They stayed there, shoulder to shoulder, the Sugden boys, sharing their grief in silence for those they had both lost.

“I can’t live without her,” Andy admitted in a whisper.

“Yes, yes you can, it’s gonna hurt, and there are gonna be days when you want to run away but on those days come and find me, or Vic, or Diane.”

 _‘Or Aaron’_ Robert thought but didn’t say it. Andy broke down in his brothers arms,

“How did you do it?” Andy asked after the sobs had subsided.

“I’m still doing it Andy, one day at a time.” Robert admitted.

They stayed their, Roberts arms around Andy until they started to shiver.

“Come on mate, let’s get you home.”

 

....

He hadn’t seen Aaron for the rest of the day and the darkness was slowly slipping its way back over his heart. He excused himself from his family and headed up the stairs, he needed to be away from the bar and he was hoping being in Aarons room would settle him. He opened the door, shutting it quickly behind him and leant his head back, letting the scent of Aaron wash over him. How in just one day had that scent become so familiar, so comforting that Robert craved it. He moved over to Aarons bed and sat down, running his hands over the still sweat soaked sheets. He was sat there his fists balled up in the thin material when Aaron burst through the door.

“Sorry mate I’ll leave you too it.”

Robert jumped up.

“Don’t.” More than anything he wanted Aaron to stay.

“Can we talk?” Robert asked, his voice sounding small in the vast distance between them.

“What for?”

Robert understood Aaron confusion, but if he didn’t do it now he never would,

“Did you, did you feel it?” Robert breathed out.

“Feel what?” Aaron denied.

Robert looked away from him in disappointment.

“Never mind.”

Aaron turned away, he couldn’t take the disappointment that crossed Roberts face. He was used to that look from the people closest to him but to see it from Robert caused his heart to ache.

“Yes,” Aaron whispered, his back to Robert.

"Can we start over, I’d like us to be friends.”

“Just friends,” Aaron said turning back to look up into Roberts eyes.

Robert took a step closer to Aaron, he was standing so close Aaron could feel his breath on his face. He wasn’t going to lean in this time, if Robert wanted this as much as Aaron thought he did he would have to make the first move.

They were so close, closer then Robert had been to anyone in a while, even without touching him he could still feel it, that hum of electricity between them. He wanted to try something if Aaron would let him after what happened the previous night. Fighting the urge to reach out and touch him, he kept his arms by his sides and stepped closer, their noses just millimetres apart. They were so close Robert could feel Aarons beard tickle his upper lip. They stood there for what seemed like an eternity, not daring to move in case the other ran off again. Aaron couldn’t stop himself as he brought his lips up to finally meet Roberts. It’s the briefest of touches but one that sets Roberts’s world alight.

“Aaron I,” Robert breathed.

“It’s okay Robert.” Aaron said sadly, before adding,

“I understand.”

He turned to leave but Roberts hand on his wrist stopped him.

“You don’t even know me.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ve never…………not for…………….” Aaron trailed off not wanting to admit to Robert that being there, with him, under his touch, was the first time he’d felt alive in years.

“Me either,” Robert confessed as he took Aarons face in his hands, relishing in the fire that started as his hands came into contact with Aarons skin, before placing his lips against the mans he knew he’d be spending the rest of his life with.

“Stay with me,” Robert begged as he broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against Aarons.

Aaron wasn’t sure what made him, if it was the need in Roberts voice, or a need in him but he whispered back,

“Always,” as they fell onto then bed together.

Aaron ran his hands through Roberts blonde hair as Roberts fingers splayed out into Aaron’s beard. This is what both of them needed, the touch of the other, it wasn’t even sexual, and it was about intimacy, something that they had both been missing for so long. Roberts hand moved down Aarons arm and captured his hand intertwining their fingers as they stared into each other’s eyes. Aaron felt like this was the first time someone had looked at him, really looked at him and he couldn’t help the blush that crossed his face. Robert noticed this and reassured him,

“We don’t have to…”

“I know,” Aaron said squeezing Roberts hand in return.

They spent the rest of the night like that, face to face, hands intertwining and it was the best night’s sleep they both had gotten in a long time.

 

....

Aaron opened his eyes to find Robert staring back at him.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” Aaron said a little bashfully.

“So are we…..” Robert asked.

“I guess.”

“Okay then,” Robert replied and closed the distance between them, his lips barely touching Aarons.

“I have to go to work,” Aaron admitted, although work was the last thing on his mind.

“Don’t let me stop you,” Robert chuckled.

“I don’t want….” Aaron started, how did he tell him he didn’t want to come back to find him gone.

As if Robert knew exactly what Aaron was feeling he reassured him,

“Aaron I’m not going anywhere.”

Aaron nodded, biting his lip before his pressed them into Roberts. It was still there, that fire, and it was spreading each second he spent with him.

“See you in the pub for lunch,” Aaron said, shaking his head, was any of this real he asked himself, as he headed out the door.

Robert spent the morning in the pub thinking about the events of the last few days, as he helped Diane get the bar ready for the day ahead. He never expected to come back to this place, let alone agree to stay. He felt free for the first time in months and he knew he couldn’t leave now even if he wanted too, his heart had found its home, here, with Aaron. He just had to tell everyone.

“You look a lot happier today,” Victoria noticed Roberts smile as she slide her arm around him in a half hug.

“I am Vic, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m where I am supposed to be,” he smiled down at her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and returning the hug.

“I’m glad you are staying.”

“How’s Andy today?” Robert asked, letting go of his little sister.

“Same as yesterday I think, although he was up for work this morning.”

“Whatever you said yesterday must have worked pet.” Diane said with a grateful look.

Robert smiled, glad of the fact that opening up had helped his brother even in a small way.

“Vic, do you have a minute?” he asked before she disappeared into the kitchen.

“What’s up?” “Can we go somewhere,” he looked over at Diane.

“Course,” she said, grabbing his wrist and pulling into the pub kitchen.

“What’s up then?”

“Vic, one of the reasons I’ve decided to stay is, well, its Aaron.”

“Aaron?” Victoria didn’t quite understand.

“Yes Vic I’m, I’m gay, well bi actually.”

“I know Robert, I’ve always known.”

“Oh,” Robert was taken aback by this.

She could tell from his expression that he hadn't expected her to know, but it was kinda of a skill she had developed since, well since Aaron actually.

“Robert, it doesn’t bother me, it never has, but Aaron, are you sure, he’s been through a lot.”

“So have I Vic.”

“I wish you’d tell me,” there was so much she still didn’t know about his life away from the village.

“And I will one day, just know that the way I feel about Aaron, I’ve never……” he trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.

The look on his face was so genuine she knew he wasn’t lying,

“Just don’t hurt him Robert, that’s all I ask.”

“I won’t Vic, I promise.”

“Okay then. You know we love you Rob don’t ya and I really am glad you’re sticking around, even if I aren’t the reason.”

“You are Vic, one of them, you, Andy, Diane, Aaron, this is where I belong.”

By the time he’d finished his chat with Vic the pub was full for the lunch time rush. He rolled his eyes at the cliente, same old, same old, still gossiping as usual. But as he made his way around the bar he paused as he heard Aarons name.

“Poor Aaron, it can’t be easy for him,” Rodney said in a hushed tone.

“What Jackson?” Nicola exclaimed,

“You would have thought he’d be over it by now.”

“Nicola!” Rodney warned his daughter.

“What?”

Robert had heard enough. Jackson, Robert repeated the name in his head. Who was Jackson? He sat alone at the bar and didn’t even notice Aaron until he was next to him.

“Hi,” Aaron said giving Robert a shy smile.

“Hello,” Robert said a little bit too coldly, he couldn’t get the name out of his head, Jackson.

Aarons smile faltered at Roberts cool reception. He’d spent all morning in his own little bubble of happiness, even Cain had commented on it. But something was wrong, he could feel it coming off Robert in waves.

“Wanna get out of here?” Aaron asked, hoping to escape the prying eyes, maybe Robert was just nervous about them being together.

“Sure.”

They walked in silence, Robert always a step behind, leaving Aaron a little wounded. He knew what they had was real, he wasn’t letting Robert go without a fight. He said himself he wasn’t going anywhere so perhaps it was time for Aaron to open up, to finally let the fire take over completely.

Robert couldn’t shake the darkness, maybe it was because he hadn’t touched Aaron since seeing him, but he couldn’t bring himself to. After hearing that name he couldn’t help the feeling Aaron was holding something back, but who could blame him, he was too wasn’t he? When Robert looked up they were in the graveyard, stood in front of a grey headstone, and as he looked down he recognised the name. Aaron had brought him here, wanted him to know, perhaps there was light in the darkness after all.

“You’ve lost someone too.”

Aaron nodded, he didn’t trust his voice, being in this place always made him clam up, but he knew, if he wanted whatever was happening between him and Robert to continue he had to try.

Robert could see the turmoil cross Aarons face, he knew what it felt like to lose someone, someone you loved.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

Aaron looked up at the man that in just a few days had set his soul on fire again and offered a name.

“Jackson.”

Robert nodded.

“Matthew.”

Aaron nodded.

“Guess we’ve got a lot in common.”

 

....

Robert left Aaron at Jackson’s grave, he didn’t want to intrude upon Aaron’s grief, but he agreed they needed to talk and would wait for Aaron back at the pub. Aaron watched as Robert walked away before turning his attention to Jackson. He didn’t know where to start, but he knew he had to let go somehow.

“I think I’ve found it Jackson,” he said sadly as he ran his fingers over his name.

“That thing we all look for, for a long time I thought you were it, but now,” he sobbed, he felt like he was betraying the only person to ever love him, but he knew thinking like that wasn’t healthy, he had his Mam, Paddy, Adam, and now maybe, maybe he had Robert if he just let go of the past.

“I’m sorry mate, this is goodbye.”

He stood up and took a deep breath before kissing his fingers and placing it on the headstone in front of him.

“I’ll never forget you,” he whispered before he turned and walked away.

Aaron wiped away his tears as he walked into the pub, not wanting people to see he’d been crying. But of course Vic could see right through him.

“Aaron,” she cried.

“Leave it yeah Vic.”

“I will not,” she marched after him into the back room.

He turned around and asked before she could get a word out,

“You seen Robert?”

“He’s upstairs, did he do this to you Aaron?”

“He told you didn’t he?” Aaron questioned her.

“Yes.”

“It’s nothing Vic, honest, he hasn’t done anything wrong.”

Vic eyed him suspiciously,

“I’m falling for him Vic.”

“It’s been two days Aaron, how can you?”

“I can’t explain it Vic, I’ve never…………,” he trailed off not what else to say.

“That’s what he said,” Vic smiled, was she about to get another brother?

Aaron smiled at that, because it was that simple, neither of them had felt like this before, about anyone, sure they’d had loves, but not like this, not something take burnt like this.

He ran up the stairs and paused in front of his bedroom door. He took a deep breath and pushed it open the door to the rest of his life.

Robert looked up from the bed and smiled sadly,

“I think we need to talk, really talk this time.”

Aaron nodded, he was just so glad Robert was still here, like he promised.

“I’ll start,” Robert said, but pulled his hand back when Aaron took a seat next to him and reached out for it.

Aaron face crumbled with hurt.

“Aaron please, you feel it, if I touch you I won’t be able to think straight, if this,” he indicated between them,

“Is for you what it is for me we need to talk, okay?”

Robert held his breath waiting for Aarons answer. But it never came.

“Say something Aaron please.”

“You said you’d start,” Aaron said he voice laced with sadness.

“His name was Matthew, and I loved him. I loved him so much. And I had to watch him die.”

Robert sobbed with his head in his hands. It took everything Aaron had in him not to wrap his arms around Robert, he shifted slightly, putting his hands under his thighs to stop them from reaching out, he wanted Robert to kept talking.

Robert wasn’t supposed to do that, take care of someone, love someone, that much, but he had. He’d been there every single day, the good ones and the bad ones. He’d had to watch the love of his life age 100 years before his eyes, had to take care of him. He tried to explain to Andy the other day but he knew he wouldn’t understand. But Aaron, he would understand, he knew what it was like.

“He got sick so suddenly, cancer can do that.” he said sarcastically before continuing.

“He was afraid I would leave him, but I told him time and time again that I wouldn’t.”

“So he pushed you away,” Aaron commented, he knew what it felt like to be pushed away like that.

Robert looked over at Aaron, he understood.

“I tried to tell him that I wasn’t going anywhere but he wouldn’t believe me, it got so bad that someday I didn’t believe me but then he’d give me that smile and I knew that whatever I was feeling, it didn’t matter, as long as we were together. I was a mess, I still am.”

Aaron just nodded for him to continue, Robert needed to let it all out.

“I never knew I could cry so much, for days on end, I cried and cried, and just when I thought the tears had stopped I cried some more. And then the drinking came, I wasn’t proud of it, but it let me escape, for just a little while. I hid it for so long it just became a part of me.”

Roberts’s world had been dark for so long, it was hard to look at Aaron. Every time he did he knew it was losing a part of Matthew and he didn’t want that did he? To lose him for good.

“It never goes away you know,” Aaron offered, looking at the familiar guilt on Roberts face.

“Have you tried?”

Aaron gave a sad laugh. If this is what he wanted he’d have to show him, to open up and finally let someone in, to let Robert know that he’d gone through the same thing.

Aaron stood up from the bed and made his way in front of Robert.

“There’s something you should know.”

Aaron started to unzip his hoody.

“Aaron,” Robert said softy, putting his hand out to stop him, not wanting things to turn physical, not yet anyway.

“Its, it’s not about that Robert, trust me.” Aaron said with a sad laugh.

And without knowing why Robert did trust him, completely.

Aaron continued to move his hand down and let his hoody fall to the fall. Robert couldn’t help notice the strong muscular arms, the ones he’d ran his fingers down just the night before. Aaron took a deep breath, this was it, if he wanted to take things further after this than they could but Aaron needed to show Robert. He lifted the hem of his t shirt to expose his stomach.

Robert tried not to react but he couldn’t help his sharp intake of breath at the sight before him. He wanted to reach out and comfort him, to hold him and tell him everything would be okay but he couldn’t, he was glued to the bed.

It was Aarons turn to talk then.

“These, these are from when I cut myself.”

Robert stared, his hand automatically reached out but Aaron took a step back.

Robert rose from the bed,

“Because of him.”

Aaron nodded

“Aaron,” Robert said with so much love it made Aaron heart swell, before the tears escaped his eyes.

“This is who I am, a self-harming murderer,” Aaron sobbed.

“Murderer?”

“I killed him Robert, I watched him suffer for weeks, months and then I helped him die I killed him.”

Robert ran his hand over his face, not really sure what to say to the person who had, in just a few days made his world shine again.

“Why, why did you show me?”

“To let you know I understand.”

“We’ve all got scars Aaron,” Robert said taking Aarons hand and placing it over his heart, smiling as the familiar spark eradiated form the contact, warming Roberts heart.

“You just can’t always see them.”

“This is me Robert, this is who I am, a tragic mess, your tragic mess if you still want me.”

“How could I not want you when you make me feel like this,” he said looking down at his hand over Aarons on his chest.

“I know it won’t be easy, they, they don’t even know, but I’m tired of running Aaron, of being left behind. I want someone to tell me that they won’t leave, my Dad, Matthew, even Katie, they left me in the darkness but you………” he looked at Aaron, should he say it, admit it, was it worth it?

“You’ve saved me Aaron.”

“Saved you?” Aaron couldn't even save himself, how had he saved Robert?

“Your smile, your eyes, they light up my life in a way nothing has before, I never thought I’d have that again.”

“Robert I don’t know……” Aaron was having a hard time taking in everything that Robert was saying, because he felt it too, the need to have Robert in his life.

The idea of letting someone in again scared the hell out of Aaron but he was willing to do it, for Robert he’d do anything just to keep the fire he’d started burning.

“You don’t have to say anything Aaron, but I can’t watch you leave” Robert said, closing his eyes.

Robert took a breath his eyes still closed, he didn’t want to open them, he was so afraid that when he did Aaron wouldn’t be there.

Aaron took a step towards him, and whispered,

“You’re not alone Robert,” before pressing their lips together, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

They had things to work out, things to discuss further, it was going to take time, they both knew that, just like they both knew that they couldn’t live without each other.

_Our hearts are like firestones_

_And when they strike, we feel the love_

_Sparks will fly, they ignite our bones_

_But when they strike, we light up the world._

**Author's Note:**

> The song used at the end and for the title is Firestone - Kygo


End file.
